staring at behaviours in me that mean something when I look at them as a whole:
- perfectionism coming to me disguised as self-worth. because I believe I am worthy only when I put myself beyond reproach.
- setting ridiculously high standards for myself and self-flagellating when I don’t meet them.
- resenting others for not helping (when I haven’t asked for help.)
- fighting off the temptation to cancel self-care practices to meet work obligations.
coming to the gobsmacked realisation that I engineer overwhelm for myself so that I can get the anticipation of the buzz of achievement when I do ‘get everything done’ – while at the same time confirming my deepest darkest suspicion that I am fundamentally inadequate.
pausing in the path that my pencil is upon. starting to see the behaviour emerging earlier in the progression of numbers.
I am drawing a new picture – freehand, now. and I can feel as inexperienced, as engrossed and experimental as a child playing with poster paints.
I don’t know yet what my picture will be, but it will be mine, and it will be as colourful as I can make it, and I will take joy in the process rather than in the mere product.
I will work cheerfully to make the best picture I can, driven by curiosity and excitement, rather than by fear.
what will you paint today?