you know you’re in a bad way when every single damn song playing on the radio seems to have been chosen specially for you by a celestial DJ who’s been overdosing on the irony tablets.
on a brief car journey yesterday the first song to play was Avicii’s ‘Wake me up when it’s all over’. which is very much how I’ve been feeling for a little while. tired of the struggle to grow, to keep putting one foot in front of another. just wanting to be done.
‘so wake me up when it’s all over
when I’m wiser and I’m older…’
wanting to sleep, like Rip Van Winkle, through the process, not only of recovery in the ‘not-drinking’ sense but also of recovery in the ‘re-learning how to do the most basic things now I am not drinking’ sense.
when I left primary school I went to a secondary school where I only spent one academic year, because my family moved house. and I remember that year as one of trailing around endless corridors, uncomfortable in my restrictive uniform. never quite sure of where I should be, whom I should be, compared to the happy familiar puppy-jumble of being the biggest fish in the pond only weeks previously. and I went on to another school where I found my feet, made a place for myself.
but that fish-out-of-water feeling is very much how I’m feeling now. whereas in fact I am making the leap from confinement to freedom…
the second song to be played was one I hadn’t heard for a while – ‘Weather With You’ by Crowded House.
this is one of those songs I know the lines of, like a poem, receiving an impression rather than an overall narrative. apparently it was written about coming back from tour and pacing around a small house, re-adjusting to the everyday life:
‘well it’s the same room, but everything’s different..’
and a little bit about having writer’s block, too:
‘nothing’s cooking in my kitchen…’
god. I know what that feels like. but I don’t have writer’s block, I have life block.
and then the lines on how we choose to live:
‘Well, do I lie like a lounge room lizard
Or do I sing like a bird released?’
trying to sing, here. but the sky is awfully big.
think my favourite lines are these:
‘Julius Caesar and the Roman Empire
Couldn’t conquer these blue skies…’
it’s absolutely hammering down outside at the moment, in the dark autumn morning, but here’s a photo I took while hanging out the washing yesterday afternoon:
‘everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you…’
wishing you the bluest, most unconquerable of blue skies in your heart today, whatever it’s like outside.
23 days to go to one year.