an insight into my post-writing technique:

the original title of this post was to be ‘still not getting all the sides right at once’ because I wanted to illustrate it with a Rubik’s cube. and then I looked at a gazillion images of Rubik’s cubes and they all made me feel twitchy because I remembered how much I hated them because I never could get all the sides right at once and if it ain’t perfect what’s the point?

so if a not Rubik’s cube, what other puzzle image could I include? and, apparently, I find crosswords, tangrams, and those little linked bits of metal you get in Christmas crackers equally irritating. and don’t get me started on geocaching. seriously, why?

is anyone (including me) starting to see a pattern here? impatient perfectionism, anyone?

had a crappy day yesterday beating myself up over two things. thing no 1 – something going wrong at work. still not resolved. more things I can do to resolve it but not till tomorrow. sigh.

thing no 2 is related to the UFYD challenge. (status update: 12.75 hours this week, 43.5 hours to date.) this week I have had several large blocks of time dealing with some really tough stuff. the paperwork equivalent of attending your school reunion newly sober, whilst also divorced, unemployed, and forty pounds overweight.

and those were dealt with and much progress made. so on Thursday and Friday I felt justified in not doing anything on the paperwork side at all. which again in getting sober terms, was like saying, well, one beer won’t hurt. because I’ve been so good this week…

and because I let it slide for a couple of days I realised yesterday that I’d forgotten to take one of my children to an important (but not vital) medical appointment on Friday. and I’ll have to re-schedule it which won’t be for weeks now.

cue ENORMOUS self-reproach. like boulders crashing through my house.

and to be honest – that is the sort of thing that used to happen all the time when I was drinking. and that scared me, being back in that place again. and also, with the benefit of hindsight, the post I wrote yesterday morning was quite triggery for me. not that it made me want to drink, but remembering the pull to the dark despair which I used to feel so keenly.

very fed up and low by late morning today. told the children I was going for a run and would be back when I’d stopped being grumpy.

it took ten miles πŸ˜‰

have said all the things to myself that I know are true about it not being the end of the world. am tired and hormonal and so therefore vulnerable. it’s this bloody ‘feeling your feelings’ shit! so much simpler to just put a solution of ethanol in your mouth πŸ˜‰

feeling self-reproach hangover tonight. ugh. kids keep heaping coals of fire on my head by giving me hugs because I am quiet and withdrawn.

Downton and some G&B lemon chocolate called for I think. or might save time and just watch all the Dollshouse Downton episodes again…

36 days to go to one year.

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