and not quite sure why he’s here, either….but, hell. why not?

this is a continuation of my previous post. in which I ponder a bit, and narrowly avoid using words like ‘whither’…whoops….

the question being as to how I can approach some aspects of my life differently. in particular aspects that I tend to compartmentalise and avoid dealing with, such as housework and the dreaded paper mountain that is my desk. there are some other very work-specific areas that fall into this category too, but in trying to make this of general application I will use housework and paperwork as the primary bugbears. and try and examine how I can deal with these areas better, not boom or bust, but to find some sort of equilibrium.

the example I used in the previous post was that of me finding an equilibrium in weight control, or eating, whichever way you like to look at it. the factors in that are:

that I measure my achievement of this goalΒ on a daily basis – for my weight this is obviously weighing myself. how could this be measured for other objectives?

that the goal is a range, rather than necessarily a point – it has fluctuated up to seven pounds above the lower end of the scale, so once it nears that upper point I very consciously rein back in. there is also a completely arbitrary further lower limit which is actually another seven pounds below my current weight. this I laughably call my ‘ideal’ weight. please note that in my adult life I have been this ‘ideal’ weight for precisely…two weeks, which happened to be the two weeks prior to conceiving child no. 2 πŸ˜‰ …and it is only actually by typing this I really think I believe that number is not a realistic objective! good God…

the range is something set completely by me, based on my own experience and history. not imposed by an external person or organisation.

if we call the factors which I am working against the negative factors: some negative factors I have eliminated entirely. for example, binge eating. sitting down and consuming an entire packet of biscuits or more in one go, doesn’t happen any more. possibly as I said in my previous post because I replaced that binge eating with binge drinking 😦 so, eliminating extreme negative behaviours. which has required me to identify them as such.

on the other side of the coin, bringing in positive, reinforcing behaviours, such as an active life and regular running. and making these positive behaviours habitual. wowee zowee had a lightbulb moment typing that…

one less tangible and more difficult to describe characteristic is that I have achieved this weight equilibrium when the other circumstances of my life conspired to make it easiest for me to do so. Β in particular when I have finished with growing other people inside my body. and also when I am in a secure and settled relationship, after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue… aha, George, knew we’d manage to shoe-horn you in there somewhere πŸ™‚

perhaps the other circumstances are like gateways to the next step? like me giving up smoking BEFORE I took up running which was BEFORE I gave up drinking? and whether there is a natural order of things which makes the next step easier or indeed possible to take? which of course will be different for different people…

but one thing I am increasingly conscious of is that my overall attitude to life has the potential to create an environment in which change is not only feasible but likely to happen. and of course the driver in this whole process of change has been the decision to stop drinking, so my first priority is still to maintain my sobriety. but sobriety is not an end in itself. it is a gateway to a fuller life.

and when I say fuller I do not mean crammed more full with more activities. more jobs done, more achieved. I mean richer and more worthwhile. whatever that may mean, or may come to mean to me.

what I want to avoid is the sensation of hurtling on through life, out of balance and out of kilter. did you ever ride on one of those fairground rides where you sit in a small chair dangling from the end of an octopus like structure? and the whole thing whizzes round and simultaneously up and down… and each task I try and do and cram into every day tilts the car more dangerously, spins it more and more uncontrollably, however hard I cling on to the sides and try to impose my own will upon it?

when where I want to be, is still and calm and at peace. at the axis of the wheel, as I described it in an earlier post. and the reason we pray for serenity is that it is something we all seek. even Lucy from Peanuts.

so, thinking about making changes. trying to learn to live with a peaceful and accepting heart. that will do for now.

81 days to go to one year.