did you hear the Bubble Hour podcast last week with Lotta Dan aka Mrs D? who is not just effervescence on legs but keeping herself real and honest and on track with her own sobriety? I have so much admiration for Lotta and what she is doing in New Zealand, and very much enjoy reading her blog and listening to her fizzing on the ‘radio’. oh lord. I really do think of the podcast as the radio. am dinosaur.

in the podcast Lotta talked about what she called ‘sober hindsight’ and I’ve been mulling the concept over.

when I was drinking, I didn’t revisit my past. I know some people frequent those rooms often. I didn’t. I blanked them out because they were dark places, full of shame. don’t think about it, la la la, fingers in my ears, I can’t hear you…

and I drank to numb the present, too. and the future was full of fear and dread. past, present, and future. all to be shrunk from and drunk over. because I didn’t realise that hope is a substance that is soluble in alcohol.

and now I feel as if I have some significant sober time under my belt, and the immediate past is no longer something to be withdrawn from, but something to be proud of. which I am slightly incredulous of, even as I type. like touching an old bruise. it doesn’t just not hurt any more – more than that – it buoys me up. strengthens me for current and future efforts.

until recent weeks and The Thing, what I have been most proud of is my first three months sober. I have a three month reward necklace which I wear nearly every day, and I touch it often. it reminds me of all I went through to achieve those three months. I have nothing but admiration for you if you are in those early days now. because you are operating on faith alone (possibly a fair bit of chocolate in there, too, actually). and after those early days the notdrinking thing will never be that difficult, ever again.

and now I am dealing with The Thing. I wrote to Belle at the time that I had made a new vow to get me to 365 days:

I will do this. and I will do it sober.

not a lengthy, detailed promise. no mental time or energy for anything other than a statement of fact. I am doing this. and the fact that I am doing it sober is a matter for celebration now, in the present moment, and I know I will look back on it in the future as another building block in my sober wall.

beacuse that’s the thing about the sober wall. it is a foundation that supports you so that you can build it still higher and stronger.

this is how I visualise my sober wall: a practical structure that has been built piece by piece to endure all eventualities.

I will be nine months sober in a week’s time. and based on my experience at three and six months there may be some soberversary wobbles ahead.

so, in the spirit of playing mind-games with past and future, with the hope of derailing potential wobbles, I have decided to pinch Lucy’s idea of counting down 100 days to a year. hey, she’s away camping in her camper van (I want a camper van!!!) – so can pinch what I like, she’ll never notice till she gets back 😉 . just hope my maths is up to it…

I am 265 days sober today. 100 days to go to 365 🙂