thanks so much for lovely comments on last couple of posts…was quite bouncy this morning but got so tired this afternoon. tired more emotionally than physically I think. and the kids were bickering over a task and by around 5.30 I had just had it.
just wanted this to stop. the Thing. and it won’t.
it’s like saying, “I’ve done so well, not drinking for a fortnight. I’ve coped. I’ve done everything I was supposed to do. So – can I go back to drinking now?” no. you can’t.
I had a good cry. have emotional intelligence of a ruby grapefruit as it takes bursting into tears to make me realise that perhaps I have some emotional needs that are not being met *facepalm*
then talked to Mr P. his response was, “you could always have a whisky…” which was supposed to be a joke. because apparently as well as NOT FUCKING DRINKING I also have to put up with lame quips about me not drinking. did I mention that he doesn’t get it? although mostly lovely he can be an utter dolt about this.
jokily suggesting alcohol to me at 5.30pm? are you KIDDING ME MY FRIEND? stop poking the sleeping bear in the ribs with a pointy stick – he might wake up and then where would we all be? it would be Mummy running off with that oh so charming monsieur sauvignon once more and this time she might not come back…
for the record, I did not want to drink. but could see how that emotional exhaustion could lead to an ‘accidental’ drink. and damned if I am going to let that happen to me.
shouted at kids in a tired way. made myself stop work and go for shower. dressed in clean cosy clothes. threw together an apology for supper. sat and ate it with family though not hungry. took myself upstairs for some peace and quiet. going through motions.
planning on doing what I would tell someone else to do: write lame blog post for accountability, read other people’s sober blogs so I know I am not alone. eat chocolate, go to bed early. thanks for listening.