it struck me that there haven’t been many specifics on this blog recently about how I am thinking about drinking. which is mostly because I am not really thinking about drinking very much. obviously being sober is still a big focus for me. apart from anything else I still seem to want to be blogging and reading other people’s blogs. sometimes I think I haven’t got anything else left to say and this blog will just float on, pathetically unchanged, for ever, like a woman who never changes from the hairstyle and makeup of her youth. but then some other thought crosses my mind and I think, ooh, must blog about that. and you lot are all so endlessly fascinating in your very different ways. how could I not keep up with all your triumphs, disasters, hilarity and insights?
so. school report. for the future me, reading this, really. because in the same way I think that I will never forget that cute thing my three year old said about Daddy – I will forget, unless I write it down.
Not Drinking: 10/10
maximum possible marks. no deviation. not once in seven and a half months. and currently I am thinking about drinking very little. there are still a few landmark occasions coming up between now and my sobriety date (4 November) where I think “really? the Pony Club Jamboree? without alcohol?” (except not that. obv.) but I know intellectually that they will be fine. and once I have ‘done’ all these occasions without alcohol once I will know it is possible.
as I said to Binki who is now a cracking 11 months sober, it will be really interesting to see how things change when we are not doing them for the first time. based on my experience of motherhood, every thing you do for the first time is a big deal, and scary. then second time round you remember, oh, this is how I do this. then the third time round you can’t remember why it is a problem. and to be honest they are lucky if the bloody tooth fairy comes at all 😉
thoughts on drinking in the last month or so:
one truly grim day where due to family crisis the Wolfie voice was very loud. telling me that drinking would take the pain away and make me feel numb. emailed sober penpals. didn’t drink as I knew it would only make me feel worse.
one more routinely awful day earlier this week when a procession of mildly ghastly events threw themselves at me like suffragettes at a racehorse. said to husband at 6pm, “God, I wish I could have a drink.” but actually the feeling was more, “God, I wish I still thought that having a drink would make me feel better.” because now I know that it wouldn’t. but in some ways I miss that feeling that it would. like taking a dummy away from a baby. if I gave the dummy back to my Eldest now I would get such an oldfashioned look. as opposed to the utter relief it would have been greeted with when we first took it away. don’t want dummy now.
Mostly sunshine, a few showers. Negative thought pattern front receding rapidly. Helped by realisation that running makes me significantly saner. note to self. run today!
Relationships with peers: 8/10.
Relationship with Mr P: much improved. more of an even keel. thankfully no real problems there caused by my drinking. but learning to communicate better with him about it, particularly as he doesn’t ‘get it’ about drinking.
Relationship with kids: am vastly more consistent. middle child in particular has been asking me questions about my not drinking. “Mummy, did you give up wine as your New Year’s resolution?” “No, I didn’t.” a few weeks ago. didn’t know what to say so moved swiftly on. then this week, again – “Mummy, did you give up wine for New Year?” “No, I didn’t, but I have given up drinking wine.” wasn’t sure whether to go any further. could have said something along the lines of “because not drinking wine makes me feel healthier,” but left it at that. not sure if cowardly or what? on both occasions the question was asked when we were alone in the kitchen together. if I’m asked why then I shall respond then. winging it, here, as so often in parenting! do you have any thoughts on this?
Relationships with others: am more assertive, saying no more often and expressing my wishes more plainly. (have just deleted a ‘possibly’ from this sentence: it is not logical to say ‘am possibly more assertive’ 😉 old habits die hard!)
Weight: was 6lb up from boozing weight. now 3lb up.
I do hate that this is even on the list, but hell it is, so let’s get it over with. am pleased to be dropping a bit of weight at last. the six pounds went on in the first two months, stayed there for another four months, and have been gradually eroding away.
could do better: paperwork and housework.
the student shows little natural aptitude for these subjects, and has shown no interest in improving her skills 🙂
so, what would your report card say? which is your favourite subject?