thanks for lovely comments on last post.
still fragile this morning.
in hindsight and on re-reading my last blog post what was causing me most distress is the gap in understanding between myself and my friend. I had been anticipating a heart-to-heart with her about my stopping drinking – she is a dear friend going back many years whom I don’t see as often as I would like.
so first of all I was staggered by her suggestion of where we go for lunch. guess I should stop being surprised by non-boozers not ‘getting’ being an ex-boozer 😦
and secondly I was sad that I didn’t get to open up to her about what I’ve been going through, and felt divided from her by something she couldn’t understand. and if I had said ‘actually can we go somewhere else?’ she would have felt awkward and it would have been even more divisive. and it would have forced the conversation on booze which I wasn’t necessarily sure I wanted to have.
and now my feelings have come back into the spiral of ‘I’m broken, I’ve fucked this up, I’m not in the same place as people I love and feel close to any more’. none of which is about wanting to drink, because I didn’t. it is about learning to live with being an ex-drinker and not letting it separate me from my life.
because booze has taken enough away from me already, dammit. and I have been feeling proud of myself and what I have achieved. and now I am feeling small and worthless again. it would just be nice if one bloody person in my real life appreciated what I am going through. my husband does not get it at all. I specifically said to him a couple of months ago that I needed him to praise me for doing this. he hasn’t mentioned it since. I have one close friend I have talked to about it in the past. maybe I need to speak to her more about it.
question: do you have anyone you know in real life that is sober? I mean other than people you have met through getting sober eg in AA? because I know two people who have had a driving ban through DUI but no-one, literally no-one, apart from me who is ‘out’ as sober.
I am the only person banging this drum that I know. and I make a pretty crap marching band all on my own.
thank God for you lot. what would I do without you? see: I am not alone any more.
bah. thanks for listening. upbeat service will be resumed as soon as possible.