do you know this short story by W W Jacobs, originally published in 1902? it is in a compilation that I first read as a child, and it still has the power to chill me. the premise is that we should be careful what we wish for, as the Universe will sometimes reply in unexpected ways.
but I read it also as a lesson in how to think about things we have lost.
we have ‘lost’ alcohol. and in a way I am still grieving for that loss. but unlike when we lose a person or a dearly loved pet, the difference is with alcohol that we could have it back any time we choose. it will always be there.
so we need to move on. move away. past the grief and the loss to a new way of living. because as in the short story, the choice to go back leads only to a world of nightmare.
I am not thinking about relapsing. not yet. but external circumstances, including a recent increase in workload, are tough at the moment. and self-care and treats seem like a distant memory. knowing they are important does not seem to be helping right now, in the same way that knowing I should not drink to excess never slowed me down.
I need to make the time to look after myself to keep moving forwards. I have a day off scheduled tomorrow, which is a start.
and there is sunshine outside, today. I am not going back.