the Uses of Sorrow

Mary Oliver. saving my life. as usual.

looking back through my blog and remembering comments I have written on other people’s blogs, I quite frequently use the metaphor of darkness when talking about addiction. I talk about staying out of the dark cupboard, for example.

to consider this darkness a gift? I am not sure how that is possible.

perhaps it is because darkness comes first, and then light. suns shining down on planets and moons all born from the void.

without addiction there can be no recovery. and recovery is the only way to live in the light. it is our wall, as DDG so beautifully described it. which will protect us and see us through all the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.

but as a friend recently eloquently described another of life’s vicissitudes: it is a shitty gift.

addiction is the gift no-one wants. that we all fight unremittingly against having until we see that there is no other way than accepting it. it is the brutiful gift. brutal and beautiful. and until we accept that we have been given it and that there is no going back we cannot use it to start anew. to build a new life after the gift.

195 days. still sober.