spring cleaning me

When I started getting sober 74 days ago I didn’t have a true understanding of what it would mean. I don’t think you can, until you are doing it. Like marriage, or being a parent. I am only in the early days still, now.

When I started I did commit to the 100 days. That was a ‘safe’ period of time to fix in my brain. There was a big part of my mind that thought that even 100 days would be too hard. That I would find that impossible. Well, it has been hard but not impossible. The difference between hard and impossible has been the online support I have found. That’s the difference. Asking for support from others and receiving it beyond measure. Wow. Thank you.

So, when I started, I didn’t know what this process would involve. It was like saying, “Goodness, this house is a tip. I’ll just give it a quick hoover. That’s what it needs.”

Then, when I’d hoovered, I looked around. Only once the most obvious mess had been removed I could see other things that needed doing. Dusting. Skirting boards. How long has that cobweb been there? That mirror needs a polish….

The emotional storm I described in my last blog post was one such example. My drinking has been masking other stuff I need to deal with, such as hormonal mood swings. I am not not not trying to deal with all my crap at once, heaven forbid. But putting down the wine glass has enabled me to see other areas where I need to do some work.

And that is really scary in some ways, but so, so amazing in others. I really feel as if I am getting to know the real me underneath for the first time since perhaps adolescence.

Me without the perpetual mask. Without the lead boots of booze. Running free.

That is worth cherishing, and worth giving space to grow, wherever it takes me.