Having a ‘meh’ day today post Christmas. Cleaning up, washing up, fed up. Ran this morning with a friend and came back… still grumpy. That hardly ever happens. Snapping at kids for whistling and other unreasonably cheerful behaviours – “put that yo-yo AWAY!!”
Working this afternoon and the minutest, teeniest of crises came up. Cue the itty bitty shitty committee and their circular arguments:
“You are really rubbish at this, aren’t you? If you had any talent for it, or if you worked at it harder, you’d be more successful than this. And while you’re about it, if you were a more attentive mother then your kids wouldn’t xyz. And your dog should be better trained. And you could have more cash in the bank. And be ten pounds lighter…” It seems ridiculous writing it down, but those are as near as dammit my exact thoughts 😦
and then, oh then, the voice of Wolfie chipped in. Haven’t heard him for a while and it was quite a shock.
“This was why you drank, wasn’t it? Because you have more on your plate than other people? So, maybe it’d be ok to drink again?”
No. It wouldn’t. SO far away from ok. Didn’t. Won’t.
But the difference is that I used to break this cycle of negative thoughts with alcohol, or the promise to myself of alcohol at the end of the day. And now that way out isn’t possible. I’ve taken away the gun. So now I am learning new ways to break the cycle. Writing it down is good. I see how ludicrous it sounds when it is in black and white. Running works a lot of the time. Just getting the fuck over myself is also, sometimes, necessary.
I am descending less frequently into that sad spiral as my sobriety progresses. Is it too much to wish for that without the gun of alcohol, the game itself will become less fun, and I will give it up for good? Here’s hoping.