I was googling for positive uplifting images of green sunlit woods seen at the end of long dark stone passageways, but this somehow seems more appropriate…
The first few days were very, very shitty indeed. When alcohol has reduced your self-esteem levels to the level of the national debt, and you then ask yourself to do a Really Hard Thing – that’s ridiculously hard. Top pick from those days – crying for half an hour after receiving an email from Belle saying, “You are not broken.” Because I truly had believed that I was broken, and that was the first inkling I really had that I might not be.
The things that I had thought in advance would be hardest have not been. I thought social pressures would be enormous and that I would be too embarrassed to tell people that I was no longer drinking. In fact I have become fairly nonchalant about sober-bombing a conversation. I have become adept at burying the non-drinking fact with another fact and topping the whole shebang off with a question or two the other person has to answer. Eg: “I’m not drinking at the moment so I’ll bring along something soft for me – is there anything else you’d like me to bring? Maybe some chocolates?”
I am feeling very positive in more recent days and it IS getting easier. I have closed doors on the possibilities of drinking by telling more and more people, which suits me at this point. Having made a song and dance about bringing my own non-poison along to an event it reduces the choices I have to make about turning down a drink. This is TOUGH STUFF and finding the easiest route through is what it’s all about.
For my 30th reward I have ordered myself a lovely Stay Here bracelet from Belle. However as I also need my reward NOW, the plan is also to do a bit of shopping today. I thought perhaps a new snazzy belt?
I live in jeans, so something that I can wear every day and that literally holds me together.
Just like being sober.